Matrimony and Alimony

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MATRIMONY* [and ALIMONY]

By Mary Jones (1707-1778)

CLOE, coquet and debon- - - - - - - - air,

Haughty, flatter'd, vain, and - - - - fair ;
No longer obstinately - - - - - - - - coy,
Let loose her soul to dreams of - - - joy.
She took the husband to her - - - - - arms,
Resign'd her freedom and her  - - - - charms ;
Grew tame, and passive to his - - - - will,
And bid her eyes forbear to - - - - - kill.
But mighty happy still at - - - - - - heart,
Nor room was there for pain, or - - - smart.

At length she found the name of - - - wife
Was but another word for  - - - - - - strife.
That cheek, which late out-blush'd the - rose,
Now with unwonted fury  - - - - - - - glows.
Those tender words, " my dear, I  - - die,"
The moving tear, and melting  - - - - sigh,
Were now exchang'd for something  - - new,
And feign'd emotions yield to - - - - true.
Reproach, debate, and loss of - - - - fame,
Intrigues, diseases, duns, and  - - - shame.
No single fault He strives to - - - - hide,
Madam has virtue, therefore - - - - - pride.
Thus both resent, while neither - - - spares
And curse, but cannot break their - - snares.

* The rhymes first put down by a gentleman, for the author to fill up as she pleas'd.

[Source: Miscellanies in Prose and Verse, Mary Jones; Oxford, 1750.]

[Written at a time when divorce was not permitted and women could not hold property or employment; separation with alimony was the only alternative.]

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Addendum 2000:

Two-and-a-Half Centuries of Alimony

By RWB (1950's-) [who is no gentleman]

Until the State, in pond'drous  - - - glory,

Squats down and crushes all it's  - - quarry;
Systemic lies and false - - - - - - - accords,
A lifetime bounty it  - - - - - - - - awards
To treach'rous woman on her - - - - - claim
He brought her down-- that he's to  - blame.
True lawyers suckered all their  - - fee
To make him pay - - - - - - - - - - - eternally;
Their counsels held from him the  - - law,
His meager living fills her - - - - - maw.
The only chance he has to - - - - - - shed
This cursèd wife is when she's  - - - dead.

Then lo! a new day starts to  - - - - break!

A glimm'ring hope that he might - - - shake
A-loose slave-shackles from his - - - feet,
And wean her from his money - - - - - teat.
At last! a chance to start  - - - - - afresh
Without her taking pounds of  - - - - flesh!
Her cutting 'sunder hearth and  - - - home,
She's now obliged in agèd - - - - - - gloam,
For State's high law puts on her  - - back
The task of filling her feed- - - - - sack.
It is the call that each, her - - - - own,
Should fain eat harvest that she'd  - sown.
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Crickety-Crick In My Nickity-Nick

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Dickety sticked his frist ickety-pick
‘Fore the widgety-thing went xick-click!
Irt the kickety-clock
Chirped sum hickety-pock—
Evermore it was slickety-slick.
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On Walking to Work on Walk to Work Day

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Walked to work once – about couple miles.
‘Long the way there were plenty of smiles;
For it’s humorous, see,
To step into some… sheesh!…
With black wingtips and spats, climbing stiles.

(from 4 April 2012)
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Still Singing Acappella to M&B’s Tune

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Filthy zombie -that M&B* fright!-
Cannot stay relegated to night;
They have reached their dead arm
To do S.S.I. harm-
And some lawyer pit bulls do the bite.

In a legal extortion (God damn!)
Acappella** found pockets to scam:
“Knowing M&B thieves,
We don’t care who relieves;
S.S.I. caved in once… twice we’ll slam!”

“Goofy Golfers***, our choice of the best
Legal minds, with their sharkskin suits pressed,
Threat’ning, play out this hoax
On those food-buying jokes-
Go ahead, fight this suit, be our guest!”

In an error of judgment so huge
It could open the gates of deluge,
Pay the creditors’ slate
Of the ex-wife’s estate-
The whole industry’s well-heeled stooge****.

Just how big must the invoice be
To allow bottom-feeders a fee?
Or, perhaps we just revel
This dance with the devil,
A rapacious thug, called Licensee.

*M & B – thieving brokers.
**Acappella – food company brokered (ie., ripped off) by M & B.
***Goff & Goff – vampires hired by Acappella, repeatedly.
****stooge: a spineless person of unquestioning obedience; a victim of ridicule or pranks (or lawsuits.)
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Please welcome Carl Graziani to Super Store Industries

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Please welcome Carl Graziani to Super Store Industries on 21 April 2014.

In fourteen days a president with sterling creds will start,
To lead and guide our company through maze of global-mart.
His calm and regal bearing should allay the griping fears
That grip their throats- the whole damn lot of his passed-over peers.

The dairies are of prime concern*; to staunch the flood of red
Means customers of different stripes must climb into this bed,
(And stupid California cows must mitigate each fart
Lest stupid California pols steal both the horse AND cart.)

All full-serve retail grocery stores are losing market shares,
And dry&frozen must compete against the mass goods wares.**
Economies of scale are lost when stocking two ship points;
Unduplicate this crazy scheme!- put noses back in joints.

Yes! Carl Graziani will plug holes in sinking ship;
‘Mongst dinosaurs, some heads will roll and hearts will beating skip.
That sheepskin, long ago acquired, has served him oh, so well;
His lucky star’s trajectory now brings him here pell-mell.

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* This 2013 study “suggests that PORTIONS have changed relatively little and, therefore, that changes over time in [decreased] QUANTITY reflect primarily changes in [decreased] FREQUENCY.” http://www.ers.usda.gov/media/1118789/err149.pdf

 

** #1 and #3 are Wal-Mart and Target on this 2013 Progressive Grocer list; neither company reports the grocery segment of its business.

http://www.progressivegrocer.com/inprint/article/id5809/the_super_50/

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A Toast to Elsie Scott Stuehmeyer, Kiltmaker

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I am honored to lead in a toast
To a friend - and a teacher, who most
Of the aspects of stitchin’
A garment that’s bitchin’
Gives us craft most unique. Let us boast:

Here’s to Elsie! Who always is startin’
A kilt in familial tartan;
This has brought her much fame-
She’s a grand Scottish Dame!
Though her trappings remain rather Spartan.
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Wheeling Around The Dance Floor

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After William Dunbar (1460 - ); from his morality tale, "The Dance of the Seven Deadly Sins"

“Mahoun” wore a coat like a “quheill,”
Hung in “rumpillis” clear down to his “heill”
At the party he threw
For some folks (me and you);
Seven times “air of Hell” – a raw deal.

Mahoun - Satan
quheill - wheel
rumpillis - pleats
heill - heel
air of Hell - the poem's double meaning of 1) Satan as heir of Hell, and 2) referring to Satan's monstrous and near-deadly farting.
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