Mike M’s Birthday Dinner Toast

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What's to say of Mike's personal skills

As he navigates through social ills?
"Scarlet! Don't give a damn!"
Puts on fez, takes a dram,
Smokes cigars, and roars, "Send me no bills!"

Yet the lady beside him in life,

In our estimate, acts as a siph-
   on of grace from above,
As he push-pulls and shoves;
His joy seems that he husbands this wife.

Who's to say if it's righteous or just?

But we're told that each Burning Man must
Show that fade and decay
Come as years pass away--
Brawley Mike has returned to the dust.

Friends, before us tonight, Mike is kilted

In a garment that he himself built'd.
At his age, there's surprise
(And delight, we surmise)
Should he find that his kilt... it is tilted!
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UNBEFOULING THE NEST?

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If the home is considered her ‘nest,’
And the kids have done well and progressed,
When the count drops to two
And her focus is you,
In all likelihood YOU she’ll divest.

Several decades, her feelings repressed,
Caused her female mind to congest.
So we’re done now because
(just believe me) it does
Absolutely no good to protest.

@Kiran mentioned the great ‘acid test’
Of a marriage. More like an Inquest!
“After years of your slop,
We have come to full stop—
I regard you as naught but ‘egest.’ ”
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Matrimony and Alimony

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MATRIMONY* [and ALIMONY]

By Mary Jones (1707-1778)

CLOE, coquet and debon- - - - - - - - air,

Haughty, flatter'd, vain, and - - - - fair ;
No longer obstinately - - - - - - - - coy,
Let loose her soul to dreams of - - - joy.
She took the husband to her - - - - - arms,
Resign'd her freedom and her  - - - - charms ;
Grew tame, and passive to his - - - - will,
And bid her eyes forbear to - - - - - kill.
But mighty happy still at - - - - - - heart,
Nor room was there for pain, or - - - smart.

At length she found the name of - - - wife
Was but another word for  - - - - - - strife.
That cheek, which late out-blush'd the - rose,
Now with unwonted fury  - - - - - - - glows.
Those tender words, " my dear, I  - - die,"
The moving tear, and melting  - - - - sigh,
Were now exchang'd for something  - - new,
And feign'd emotions yield to - - - - true.
Reproach, debate, and loss of - - - - fame,
Intrigues, diseases, duns, and  - - - shame.
No single fault He strives to - - - - hide,
Madam has virtue, therefore - - - - - pride.
Thus both resent, while neither - - - spares
And curse, but cannot break their - - snares.

* The rhymes first put down by a gentleman, for the author to fill up as she pleas'd.

[Source: Miscellanies in Prose and Verse, Mary Jones; Oxford, 1750.]

[Written at a time when divorce was not permitted and women could not hold property or employment; separation with alimony was the only alternative.]

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Addendum 2000:

Two-and-a-Half Centuries of Alimony

By RWB (1950's-) [who is no gentleman]

Until the State, in pond'drous  - - - glory,

Squats down and crushes all it's  - - quarry;
Systemic lies and false - - - - - - - accords,
A lifetime bounty it  - - - - - - - - awards
To treach'rous woman on her - - - - - claim
He brought her down-- that he's to  - blame.
True lawyers suckered all their  - - fee
To make him pay - - - - - - - - - - - eternally;
Their counsels held from him the  - - law,
His meager living fills her - - - - - maw.
The only chance he has to - - - - - - shed
This cursèd wife is when she's  - - - dead.

Then lo! a new day starts to  - - - - break!

A glimm'ring hope that he might - - - shake
A-loose slave-shackles from his - - - feet,
And wean her from his money - - - - - teat.
At last! a chance to start  - - - - - afresh
Without her taking pounds of  - - - - flesh!
Her cutting 'sunder hearth and  - - - home,
She's now obliged in agèd - - - - - - gloam,
For State's high law puts on her  - - back
The task of filling her feed- - - - - sack.
It is the call that each, her - - - - own,
Should fain eat harvest that she'd  - sown.
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Crickety-Crick In My Nickity-Nick

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Dickety sticked his frist ickety-pick
‘Fore the widgety-thing went xick-click!
Irt the kickety-clock
Chirped sum hickety-pock—
Evermore it was slickety-slick.
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On Walking to Work on Walk to Work Day

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Walked to work once – about couple miles.
‘Long the way there were plenty of smiles;
For it’s humorous, see,
To step into some… sheesh!…
With black wingtips and spats, climbing stiles.

(from 4 April 2012)
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Still Singing Acappella to M&B’s Tune

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Filthy zombie -that M&B* fright!-
Cannot stay relegated to night;
They have reached their dead arm
To do S.S.I. harm-
And some lawyer pit bulls do the bite.

In a legal extortion (God damn!)
Acappella** found pockets to scam:
“Knowing M&B thieves,
We don’t care who relieves;
S.S.I. caved in once… twice we’ll slam!”

“Goofy Golfers***, our choice of the best
Legal minds, with their sharkskin suits pressed,
Threat’ning, play out this hoax
On those food-buying jokes-
Go ahead, fight this suit, be our guest!”

In an error of judgment so huge
It could open the gates of deluge,
Pay the creditors’ slate
Of the ex-wife’s estate-
The whole industry’s well-heeled stooge****.

Just how big must the invoice be
To allow bottom-feeders a fee?
Or, perhaps we just revel
This dance with the devil,
A rapacious thug, called Licensee.

*M & B – thieving brokers.
**Acappella – food company brokered (ie., ripped off) by M & B.
***Goff & Goff – vampires hired by Acappella, repeatedly.
****stooge: a spineless person of unquestioning obedience; a victim of ridicule or pranks (or lawsuits.)
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Please welcome Carl Graziani to Super Store Industries

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Please welcome Carl Graziani to Super Store Industries on 21 April 2014.

In fourteen days a president with sterling creds will start,
To lead and guide our company through maze of global-mart.
His calm and regal bearing should allay the griping fears
That grip their throats- the whole damn lot of his passed-over peers.

The dairies are of prime concern*; to staunch the flood of red
Means customers of different stripes must climb into this bed,
(And stupid California cows must mitigate each fart
Lest stupid California pols steal both the horse AND cart.)

All full-serve retail grocery stores are losing market shares,
And dry&frozen must compete against the mass goods wares.**
Economies of scale are lost when stocking two ship points;
Unduplicate this crazy scheme!- put noses back in joints.

Yes! Carl Graziani will plug holes in sinking ship;
‘Mongst dinosaurs, some heads will roll and hearts will beating skip.
That sheepskin, long ago acquired, has served him oh, so well;
His lucky star’s trajectory now brings him here pell-mell.

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* This 2013 study “suggests that PORTIONS have changed relatively little and, therefore, that changes over time in [decreased] QUANTITY reflect primarily changes in [decreased] FREQUENCY.” http://www.ers.usda.gov/media/1118789/err149.pdf

 

** #1 and #3 are Wal-Mart and Target on this 2013 Progressive Grocer list; neither company reports the grocery segment of its business.

http://www.progressivegrocer.com/inprint/article/id5809/the_super_50/

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