Instead of You

.
It’s sexy-pink, and soft and warm,
It doesn’t thrash, or snore or kick ;
A body pillow I would pick.
I’d rather hug its comfort form
Instead of you.

At home, alone, where peace prevails,
Surrounded by the stuff I like :
Some simple food, the TV, bike …
I’d rather talk with garden snails
Instead of you.

Or on the road, with wheels spinning,
Small towns drift by – yet more to go –
Hills, rivers, forests, deserts’ glow.
I’d rather ride my bike (waist thinning)
Instead of you.

The double hull and sails of cat’,
Its cabins filled with friends of mine ;
Blue tropics, where we swim and dine –
I’ll spend vacation bucks on that
Instead of you.

Our children tremble, fear and cry
From hearing but your self-serve side –
The odious rants of “jilted bride” –
Good God ! Too bad your mom should die
Instead of you !

They scheme, connive, and truth condemn –
Slime lawyers from McOink, McFall !
Their progress billings count as all ;
Be sure, my coins will go to them
Instead of you !

Your life is dark and clouded o’er ;
You have no plans but well-stuffed purse.
A mean and haggard, dismal curse
Is so much better to adore
Instead of you.

( Addendum )

-- deleted --
.
.

Middle Earth and Present Earth

.
Every tree on the land is a snag,
All around there’s but fire and slag.
Hobbit life? There’s a dearth,
Ekeing out of scorched earth.
No white horse, just a black wingèd nag.
.
.

Election Results Moot

.
The truth is it matters not which
Of the parties got hold of the switch;
It’s the Fed Reserve “drug”
Got US pinned to the rug –
"Fat cats" now only ones getting rich.
.
.

My Lawyer's Bigger Than Yours!

.
While his ex- was asleep at her switch,
He filed motions designed to unhitch
His affairs from her grasp…
Awful, burbling gasp!
Eyebrows jumped! and she started to twitch!

“I don’t care for ideas that you pitch,
For they’ll all come to naught! Oh, and which
Of your balls will you lose
On this round, dear? You choose…
Or, I'll leave you with nothing to itch!”
.
.

Rave At Stonehenge!...

Hey there, baby, you got any glow-gourds?
Bring ‘em out to tonight’s Stonehenge slow-chords.
Plus, we’ll drop a few pills
To dispense with our ills,
Misbehavin’ out on the old mow-swards*.

*the old Scots word “mow” refers to that most ancient human activity.

reference: “Glow-Gourds at Stonehenge Raves All the Rage” http://www.npr.org/2011/05/14/136295663/listener-limerick-challenge .
.

All Hallows Eve

.
The Great Pumpkin, that kingliest gourd,
Rises up! – becomes fully unmoored.
Quickly floats yard-to-yard
And attempts to retard
The predations of over-age horde.
.
.

The Demonic Duo

.
Mr. Brinton and my poor ex-wife
Got together - they’re stropping a knife!
Stinging sulphurous smell–
It’s a match made in Hell!
Not much left of her mis’rable life…
.
.

Eyes and Ears

.
At the opera, Mame started to fret
That she may have misplaced her lorgnette,
But the music she heard
Sounded really absurd!
Was that 8-track or maybe cassette?
.
.

How This Ends

.
The air– it shimmers, then grows thick
And darkens. Time drags by.
Black storm clouds gather on the marge
‘Tween earth and leaden sky.

With sizzling Crack! the air reverbs,
Yet still it’s hot and dry;
The tears of Nature fail to drop–
She’s no more tears to cry.

Old shovels stir dust into clouds
And, choking, you and I
With slow and steady patience dig
The hole in which we’ll lie.

Too bad but one will shovel o’er
The box to which we vie;
The other stays through empty days
And hopes to God to die.
.
.

Slack Times

.
Now THAT was a most hurtful crack…
…And the reason you called me a quack?
I’m not God, don’t you know;
I can’t make your thing grow –
Have your wife help you take up the thwack!
.
.

Trimming It To The Core

.
Her body was svelte, sleek and trim,
For herself (and to look good for him),
Lest her frame become dense
And he stray o’er the fence–
Such domestic noblesse that we limn!
.
.

Phil's Catalina Sail - 2014

.
Entry made in the Guest Book aboard "Dutch Courage," owned by van den Bosch
(one week prior to Catalina’s Buccaneer Days at Two Harbors)

Where to spend all our pillage and plunder?-
On an island that's almost split sunder.
Every day we find more
Of its harbors galore-
But to pick just one spot would be blunder.

Both the rails of Dutch Courage got washed
(And the crew of said boat mostly sloshed!)-
Not a reef would stay pinned
In the 20-knot wind-
Marv'lous week was fair spent van den Bosch'd.

Grand adventure lived day after day-
Dinghy fun, moonstone sands, dolphins play,
Fragrant sizzling stove,
Awesome reefs that we dove-
It was sad to slip moorings away.
.
.

Tinkle-Toes

.
Beat the ravage of Time? All men flee!
But from life’s ups-and-downs we’re not free;
On this most human topic
We obey laws entropic—
When we hit fifty years, we can’t pee.
.
.

Mike M’s Birthday Dinner Toast

.

What's to say of Mike's personal skills

As he navigates through social ills?
"Scarlet! Don't give a damn!"
Puts on fez, takes a dram,
Smokes cigars, and roars, "Send me no bills!"

Yet the lady beside him in life,

In our estimate, acts as a siph-
   on of grace from above,
As he push-pulls and shoves;
His joy seems that he husbands this wife.

Who's to say if it's righteous or just?

But we're told that each Burning Man must
Show that fade and decay
Come as years pass away--
Brawley Mike has returned to the dust.

Friends, before us tonight, Mike is kilted

In a garment that he himself built'd.
At his age, there's surprise
(And delight, we surmise)
Should he find that his kilt... it is tilted!
.
.

UNBEFOULING THE NEST?

.
If the home is considered her ‘nest,’
And the kids have done well and progressed,
When the count drops to two
And her focus is you,
In all likelihood YOU she’ll divest.

Several decades, her feelings repressed,
Caused her female mind to congest.
So we’re done now because
(just believe me) it does
Absolutely no good to protest.

@Kiran mentioned the great ‘acid test’
Of a marriage. More like an Inquest!
“After years of your slop,
We have come to full stop—
I regard you as naught but ‘egest.’ ”
.
.

Matrimony and Alimony

.
MATRIMONY* [and ALIMONY]

By Mary Jones (1707-1778)

CLOE, coquet and debon- - - - - - - - air,

Haughty, flatter'd, vain, and - - - - fair ;
No longer obstinately - - - - - - - - coy,
Let loose her soul to dreams of - - - joy.
She took the husband to her - - - - - arms,
Resign'd her freedom and her  - - - - charms ;
Grew tame, and passive to his - - - - will,
And bid her eyes forbear to - - - - - kill.
But mighty happy still at - - - - - - heart,
Nor room was there for pain, or - - - smart.

At length she found the name of - - - wife
Was but another word for  - - - - - - strife.
That cheek, which late out-blush'd the - rose,
Now with unwonted fury  - - - - - - - glows.
Those tender words, " my dear, I  - - die,"
The moving tear, and melting  - - - - sigh,
Were now exchang'd for something  - - new,
And feign'd emotions yield to - - - - true.
Reproach, debate, and loss of - - - - fame,
Intrigues, diseases, duns, and  - - - shame.
No single fault He strives to - - - - hide,
Madam has virtue, therefore - - - - - pride.
Thus both resent, while neither - - - spares
And curse, but cannot break their - - snares.

* The rhymes first put down by a gentleman, for the author to fill up as she pleas'd.

[Source: Miscellanies in Prose and Verse, Mary Jones; Oxford, 1750.]

[Written at a time when divorce was not permitted and women could not hold property or employment; separation with alimony was the only alternative.]

  -- ** -- ** --

Addendum 2000:

Two-and-a-Half Centuries of Alimony

By RWB (1950's-) [who is no gentleman]

Until the State, in pond'drous  - - - glory,

Squats down and crushes all it's  - - quarry;
Systemic lies and false - - - - - - - accords,
A lifetime bounty it  - - - - - - - - awards
To treach'rous woman on her - - - - - claim
He brought her down-- that he's to  - blame.
True lawyers suckered all their  - - fee
To make him pay - - - - - - - - - - - eternally;
Their counsels held from him the  - - law,
His meager living fills her - - - - - maw.
The only chance he has to - - - - - - shed
This cursèd wife is when she's  - - - dead.

Then lo! a new day starts to  - - - - break!

A glimm'ring hope that he might - - - shake
A-loose slave-shackles from his - - - feet,
And wean her from his money - - - - - teat.
At last! a chance to start  - - - - - afresh
Without her taking pounds of  - - - - flesh!
Her cutting 'sunder hearth and  - - - home,
She's now obliged in agèd - - - - - - gloam,
For State's high law puts on her  - - back
The task of filling her feed- - - - - sack.
It is the call that each, her - - - - own,
Should fain eat harvest that she'd  - sown.
.
.

Crickety-Crick In My Nickity-Nick

.
Dickety sticked his frist ickety-pick
‘Fore the widgety-thing went xick-click!
Irt the kickety-clock
Chirped sum hickety-pock—
Evermore it was slickety-slick.
.
.

On Walking to Work on Walk to Work Day

.
Walked to work once – about couple miles.
‘Long the way there were plenty of smiles;
For it’s humorous, see,
To step into some… sheesh!…
With black wingtips and spats, climbing stiles.

(from 4 April 2012)
.
.

Still Singing Acappella to M&B’s Tune

.
Filthy zombie -that M&B* fright!-
Cannot stay relegated to night;
They have reached their dead arm
To do S.S.I. harm-
And some lawyer pit bulls do the bite.

In a legal extortion (God damn!)
Acappella** found pockets to scam:
“Knowing M&B thieves,
We don’t care who relieves;
S.S.I. caved in once… twice we’ll slam!”

“Goofy Golfers***, our choice of the best
Legal minds, with their sharkskin suits pressed,
Threat’ning, play out this hoax
On those food-buying jokes-
Go ahead, fight this suit, be our guest!”

In an error of judgment so huge
It could open the gates of deluge,
Pay the creditors’ slate
Of the ex-wife’s estate-
The whole industry’s well-heeled stooge****.

Just how big must the invoice be
To allow bottom-feeders a fee?
Or, perhaps we just revel
This dance with the devil,
A rapacious thug, called Licensee.

*M & B – thieving brokers.
**Acappella – food company brokered (ie., ripped off) by M & B.
***Goff & Goff – vampires hired by Acappella, repeatedly.
****stooge: a spineless person of unquestioning obedience; a victim of ridicule or pranks (or lawsuits.)
.
.

Please welcome Carl Graziani to Super Store Industries

.
Please welcome Carl Graziani to Super Store Industries on 21 April 2014.

In fourteen days a president with sterling creds will start,
To lead and guide our company through maze of global-mart.
His calm and regal bearing should allay the griping fears
That grip their throats- the whole damn lot of his passed-over peers.

The dairies are of prime concern*; to staunch the flood of red
Means customers of different stripes must climb into this bed,
(And stupid California cows must mitigate each fart
Lest stupid California pols steal both the horse AND cart.)

All full-serve retail grocery stores are losing market shares,
And dry&frozen must compete against the mass goods wares.**
Economies of scale are lost when stocking two ship points;
Unduplicate this crazy scheme!- put noses back in joints.

Yes! Carl Graziani will plug holes in sinking ship;
‘Mongst dinosaurs, some heads will roll and hearts will beating skip.
That sheepskin, long ago acquired, has served him oh, so well;
His lucky star’s trajectory now brings him here pell-mell.

- - - - - - - - - -

* This 2013 study “suggests that PORTIONS have changed relatively little and, therefore, that changes over time in [decreased] QUANTITY reflect primarily changes in [decreased] FREQUENCY.” http://www.ers.usda.gov/media/1118789/err149.pdf

 

** #1 and #3 are Wal-Mart and Target on this 2013 Progressive Grocer list; neither company reports the grocery segment of its business.

http://www.progressivegrocer.com/inprint/article/id5809/the_super_50/

.

.

 

A Toast to Elsie Scott Stuehmeyer, Kiltmaker

.
I am honored to lead in a toast
To a friend - and a teacher, who most
Of the aspects of stitchin’
A garment that’s bitchin’
Gives us craft most unique. Let us boast:

Here’s to Elsie! Who always is startin’
A kilt in familial tartan;
This has brought her much fame-
She’s a grand Scottish Dame!
Though her trappings remain rather Spartan.
.
.

Wheeling Around The Dance Floor

.
After William Dunbar (1460 - ); from his morality tale, "The Dance of the Seven Deadly Sins"

“Mahoun” wore a coat like a “quheill,”
Hung in “rumpillis” clear down to his “heill”
At the party he threw
For some folks (me and you);
Seven times “air of Hell” – a raw deal.

Mahoun - Satan
quheill - wheel
rumpillis - pleats
heill - heel
air of Hell - the poem's double meaning of 1) Satan as heir of Hell, and 2) referring to Satan's monstrous and near-deadly farting.
.
. .

Easing On Down the Road

.
As supply of the new rag outpaced
Its demand – Look! Its value erased!
Great disaster in ranks
If still held in the banks
And the greenback’s completely debased.
.
.

Knock 'Em Dead

.
The old joke goes this way: “Hey! Knock, knock!”
Comes the query, “Who’s there?” like a clock.
And the set: “I’m a boo.”
Response: “I’m a boo WHO?”
“You sure are!” - as they chase ‘round the block.
.
.

Knocking Around

.
Port prop engine had started to knock,
And some birds swooped on past- a big flock!-
I thought it unfair
They were lighter than air
As I fast approached cliffs made of chalk.
.
.

Valentine’s – National Day of Blackmail and Intimidation

.
“Do you love me?” she asks ALL. The. Time.
“If you do, then this list is what I’m
Looking for you to do
To prove your love is true,
‘Specially if it takes every last dime.
.
.

Maxine's Rhymer Primer

.
from 14 Feb 2013 - Valentine’s Day

(inspired by a friend's gift of a cartoon calendar note, featuring "Maxine" saying, "There is a poet within me trying to find words that rhyme with ‘crap’.")


I must say at the start, you are full of hot crap

When I want your opinion, I’ll ask you, you sap

But until that time comes, why, it don’t take no map

To point out the deficiencies riddling your pap

With a brain that’s hard-wired (and because you’re no chap)

An attempt to stop talking would make your mind snap

From the morn until sundown I hear your lips flap

And am mightily tempted to give them a slap

But you just might consider that too light a rap

So a much better choice is a ball with a strap

If I’m still too unclear ‘bout your constant "yap, yap"

Let me say it out plain… here it goes…

Shut Yer Trap!.
.

Plan Unraveled

.
His scheme was the slightest bit frayed
For, in truth, he had simply parlayed
His initial small stash
Into promise of cash—
The result – how you say? – much clichéd.
.
.

Classic Seafood Differently

.
Off-course sailors became sore afraid
Hearing mermaid’s laugh, splash, serenade.
Foggy night, lost, they drifted—
Next morn, when it lifted,
On rocks they were found well-filleted.
.
.

Waiting For The Lights To Come On

.
Changing light bulbs – the task for today;
Whole departments wade into the fray.
Like big moths, they are drawn,
Hoping lights will come on;
And when done, back to mad disarray.
.
.

Career, or Avocation?

.
Oh, they bicker! True grammarist scene—
Out of six, only one intact spleen!
As they verbally maul
The poor word “overhaul,”
Fearsome sound! First career, then careen!
.
.

Silver Princess House Tongs

.
(from 29 Jul 2013)

On my riding partner, Jer, finding road-kill kitchenware while on a ride; speculation on how the tongs came to be on the side of the road.


Plated shiny and bright as a part of the set;
On the table they shone, pretty hard to forget
Silver Princess House tongs.

Oh, the party went well; there were salads and drink
And some great conversation for those who still think—
(ok,… smallest of throngs.)

Time elapsed and the guests (some like waddling ducks)
Watched the food service go into catering trucks
At the sound of the gongs.

Tongs were placed high on roof while the cooks ducked inside,
Placing items just so, so on turns they don’t slide,
Hurting after-work bongs.

Party’s packed – truck’s away! – When the tongs hit the ground
Not a one saw the flash, they were fast homeward bound
Singing happiness songs.

Then… a day or two passed and my friend Jer rode by--
Flash! A bright object shone, caught her sharp eagle-eye.
Karma, righting its wrongs.

No more fit to clamp down on a crisp lettuce leaf,
The pair found a new home in a wind chime motif
Made of life’s gone-alongs--
Silver Princess House tongs.
.
.

Holiday Potluck Architechture

.
(from 22 Dec 2011 - and still true.)

All those holiday meals - a disaster!
Bubbling drinks mixed with Paris’ plaster.
Architecturally a column,
But structurally a pier,
Just call me “pilaster” at the end of the year!

This Christmas my scale showed a gainer--
My belt hardly works as restrainer.
As hard as it sounds,
To shed a few pounds
Atlantis is up on a trainer.
.
.

Limericky Burns

.
(from 30 Dec 2011)

A tribute to Robert Burns and his verse. This was presented to the Nor-Cal Rabble on Burns Night in Jan 2012, and posted here in anticipation of this year's Burns Night.

[1]
Rabbie Burns and I never were close;
His command of the sex most verbose.
Maids, their hearts all a-flutter,
Made his life a big clutter.
Which of us better off, you suppose?

[2]
On the rhymes of old Burns I'm done percolating--
Poet’s grace notes and trills rather stimulating.
Though it's still so dang hard
To decipher the Bard
His reknown, I have found, is a venerating.

[3]
For a friend, he would willingly choose
A far visit (‘Twould wear out his shoes!)
For the abundant pleasures
In the simplest of leisures
Young Burns showed us, not Don’ts, but the Do’s.
(Epistle to James Smith, stanza 2)

[4]
There’s three reasons the Bard is remembered:
An old language was being dismembered;
To call out dev’lish strife
Was the task of his life;
But his joy was to chase the warm… {ehm…} "bird."

[5]
Rabbie's eye was so keen on wee mousie
When his plough blew to heck her poor housie.
Winter's cold is -as then-
Far beyond man's small ken
And our lives, more than not, gets all dousie.
(To a Mouse, On Turning Her Up In Her Nest With The Plough)

[6]
The eild lessons o' Shanter are variegated.
Tipsy Tam went astray 'cause he hesitated
When Ol' Scratch and his clarks
Danced in fine cutty sarks.
Trusty Meg was the vehicle designated.
(Tam O' Shanter)

[7]
Where's an end to the Clan Holy Willie?
Over life casting spells oh so chilly?
All around, pompous tools!
Honest men as their fools.
Deadly serious stuff- not so silly!
(Holy Willie's Prayer)

[8]
Some pretend that dear Rabbie was celibate
And deflect any charge of "indelicate,"
But the Merry old Muses
All such thought disabuses
And demand scurvy writers prevaricate.
(The Merry Muses of Caledonia; no link)

[9]
In an ode for his misbegot child
There is nothing un-tender or wild;
He simply tried harder
To right ill-timed ardor.
We all pray that young Miss Bessie smiled.
(A Poet's Welcome To His Love-Begotten Daughter)

[10]
In another he paints social noise,
Where strong spirits cause men to be boys.
Where people are gathered,
They sometimes get lathered
And the deluding women hold joys.
(Epistle to James Smith, stanza 14)

[11]
While 'tis true that sweet Rabbie did sanitize
Sometime odd verse for viewing by many eyes
Still, he kept some good stuff
(Oh, you know- without fluff)
Which is wholly unneedful to now revise.

[12]
The Bard speaks of things nat'ral and human
With such an incisive acumen;
Wha's ne'er craved the old pinch
To... ah... measure nine inch?
If such be your gift, then please do, man.
(The Merry Muses, "Nine Inch Will Please A Lady"; no link)

[13]
Almost all of the old rhymes are bawdy
And they show human nature is "naughty";
But the blasted Victorians
Were such repressed stentorians
The loud critics came off stuffed and haughty.

[14]
The man's lustre is bright, no be tarnish;
Weary, time-worn accretions of smarmish.
To a Louse, To a Mouse,
To a Brace of Fat Grouse*
Remove all of those layers of varnish.
(To A Louse) (To A Mouse, ...)

*(OK... that last one was invented.)

[15]
Rabbie’s rhymes are oft viewed as spontaneous
But his words very seldom extraneous
As in great works of art,
They took time, they took heart,
But the Haggis Ode? Extemporaneous!
(Address To A Haggis)

As an example:

[15.5]
Yes, that pizza of fruit looks delish!
And in truth, it makes me only wish
That when all has been said
I am well under-fed
Before piling it all on my dish!

[16]
(Charge your glass, and be upstanding!)

So, a toast! To fair conviviality!
And wha' brings us to this sociality!
May this eve be a feast
Where we will, at the least,
Guard against so great vice, Bacchanality!
.
.

Escapada a los Cayos de Florida

.

(from 8 May 2013, anxiously awaiting the catamaran sailing trip)

We will soon be in Florida’s Keys

To relax, just kick back, take some ease.
Wearing nothing but shorts,
I don’t want to hear snorts;
Pass some more of those crackers and cheese.

See, the boat has been rented and crewed;

O so lavishly stocked – drink and food! –
What with eight salty gulls
Filling both sleekish hulls
Need the head? Just shout out, you’ll be queued

Safe on board, we will float isle to isle,

Taking in splendid sights all the while.
You suggest you are bored,
We toss you overboard;
Don’t that shark have a wide, toothy smile?

In a fearful attempt to go snorkel

There’s some things that you wear, and the cork’ll
Keep you buoyed up light.
You should not take a fright
If that fails, don’t freak out, ‘cause your pork’ll.

Large sand castles are sure to impress;

Their tall battlements built with finesse.
Perhaps shovel and pail
Keeps me far, far from jail… oh!
Will you please pardon me? – I digress.
- - - - - -

(from 18 May 2013)
 

The Keys Sailing Vacation & Crew

[Catamaran: Free Astray]

[free astray: a shipment that is miscarried or unloaded at a wrong destination and then forwarded correctly free of extra charge because of being astray.]

[The crew is all here – all via Virgin America airlines.]

It was cause for some great celebration,
Filled with laughter and hugs and libation.
For the Virginal race
To this hot sweaty place
Made tall tales for the next generation.

[Phil, Phil, learn to grill...]

Ah, our grillmaster fine is Sir Phil;
Cooks it all - octopus, even krill.
B.B.Q. fork in hand,
Singes all mighty grand,
Every bite - masterpiece! - fit to kill.

[Danie, skipper's mate]

See! There's Danie, who's short, never surly.
Loves to party - both late, again early.
Once she starts, how she sings
'Bout her new nipple rings!
But we doubt they exist (her hair's curly.)

[First day out]

From Key Largo we went to Molasses,
See and swim the sea floor and its grasses.
Every shade from deep blue
To an almost ecru
Makes a wonderful view as it passes.

First day out sun was bright, real intense.

Sure enough, some of us used no sense.
For not following regs,
Pretty red lobster legs;
And the pain of it all was immense.

[Second day out]

Another known reef -Alligator-
Close by here (prob'ly near the equator.)
An aquatic swim bliss
Captain Joe said, Don't miss.
Long Key called, so we said, See you later.

[Pamela, navigator]

Trav'lin' Pam, wine in hand, loves the gabbin';
Her Brit accent sure helps - our ears stabbin'.
Tech and camera close by
Should a view come to eye
When she's not try'n to sleep in her cabin.

[Luc, skipper]

Master Luc's an inscrutable soul,
With our safety his number one goal.
Eggs and pancakes so fine
And he'll throw you a line.
Free Astray has not yet gone a-shoal.

[Mr. Peterson, first mate]

Mr. Peterson's beard may be salty,
His sharp faculties clearly aren't faulty.
Believe what he might say--
He could sail, sail away.
Such a man loves his rum and his malty.

[Debbie, Phil's mate]

Cram three weeks into one! Multi-task!
A few hours thrown in just to bask.
Still, the sun soaks her through.
She knows just what to do
As day fades, Put a tap in that cask!

[Mrs. Peterson, Mr. Peterson's mate]

First day out, gentle wife stayed below.
Passing days saw her strength grow and grow.
Galley knife flashing bright
Nicks mosquitoes in flight--
Sea legs back, let the storm start to blow

[Richard, according to Mr. Peterson]

Richard, smartly dressed and muscular built
He wouldn’t tell us what was under his kilt
Hiking & biking & sailing he liked a lot
Good with words, hose & mop & very handy when tying a knot
So handy is he if you asked nicely, please, he could probably make a quilt.

[Richard, according to Danie]

Richard est un cyclist et maintenant un homme de la mer
Un mumoor a vous donnes des crampes a se tertre a terre
Toujours pret a vous aider
Il est tout un co-equipier
Tranquille & poli, il est un gentleman gentil

Richard, Ricardo, Butter Boy, go-to-men une fois qu’on
Ie connait avec ce souries coquina
Dure de s’en passer
Car il est unique avec son luffa et quilt
Et ses rings cacher
Il est decdemant on ami, un co-equipier
Qu’on veut sui son voilier!

(Pardon my French, s'il vous plait; misspellings are mine.)
.
.

Death and Dismissal

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(from 24 Jun 2013, Death of XXX XXXXX, Pres.)

TO ALL EMPLOYEES: It is with deep regret that we inform you that our President passed way this morning, June 24, 2013. The memorial service will be held Friday, July 12th, at 4:00 p.m.

Deft at donning the commerce disguise
And at treading on toes of the wise,
He conspires with his friends,
Inside job, where he lends
What’s not his. . . just before his demise.

Rusted hinges groan loud as they swing
Close on – SILENCE – no more the Ka-ching!
All his coins turn to rust,
Blow away with his dust;
Vapors hot swallow up our late king.
- - - - - - - - -

(from 10 Jan 2014, upon my employer letting go the receptionist and mail room clerk)

Removing Support Services

These fell events, blood-red and gory,
Morph into tales of pomp and glory—

The wheels of commerce grind along
Until the trend line on a chart
Says, “Time has come- cut out a heart,”
In cadence with the slaver’s song.

All Hell breaks loose! Loud peals of thunder
Across the blood-soaked, barren heath
Force keening wail through gnashing teeth—
A family is torn asunder.

Great monuments pierce azure sky,
While emperors grind piles of bones
To fill the cracks between their stones,
Proclaiming love from gods on high.
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Seeing Red

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His relationship minefield drips red—
Even briefest encounters bring dread,
For each tentative pass
Gets a kick in the ass
And the firm admonition: “Drop dead!
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That's a Moufuu...

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Blessèd food! Baked, sautéed, nuked, or fried!
Without eats, this whole race would have died.
Don’t forget stuff that’s dried,
Boiled, pickled, or lye’d;
How we love a repast, true-and-tried.
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Patchwork

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All these damned anapests! {His brain fried…}
Don’t give up, though! He still knew he vied
For the stellar top spot;
Competition white hot!
But his verse? At the very best - pied.

Pied (adj) having sections or patches colored differently and usually brightly
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Lovely Leah Learns to Ride

Our lovely Leah learned to ride
Her Lil "Pink" Gem this year.
We asked her Gramps to teach her how--
How did that go? Oh, dear!

She rolled it down a grassy hill,
Fell off a time or two,
But soon, with confidence supreme,
She did not ride -- she flew!

Her water bottle filled to brim,
The streamers nicely streaming,
Both tires firm, well-pumped with air--
All we could say: "She's beaming!"

She clapped her helmet on her head,
Drew on her leather gloves,
And as she pushed off from the curb,
"Ta-ta! I'm off, me loves."

She terrorized the neighborhood;
Her friends shrank back in fear
Whenever Leah's Lil "Pink" Gem
Zoomed past in highest gear!

We must put on bells, lights and horn
For everybody's sake,
And her young legs will stronger grow--
Oh!... teach her how to brake!

Perhaps for years, as come along,

Their paths will cross again--

But Gramps and Leah riding bikes

Was much to our chagrin!

...

Hamlet Re-Imagined

“Had we known what he’d do in advance,
We’d not be in this hole, Rosencrantz!”
“Shhhh! Let’s think, Guildenstern…
How to make Hamlet burn?—
We’ll have Stoppard look at him askance!”

Debut

An answer to "Limerick Outing" by Madeline Begun Kane in her Limerick-Off for January 5, 2014:

Limerick Outing
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman would often go out
With a sad-sack who’d grimace and pout.
When her friends warned that “he’s
A wet blanket and sleaze,”
She said, “Date-wise I’m having a drought.”


My answer (and protection of the "worse-half" of humanity):

Dousing the Cookout
By way2fractious

Yet that fellow her friends thought a lout
Finally showed her her friends, without doubt,
Suffer co-misery,
Just as angst-filled as she--
Then he dumped that whole coterie out!